RIDICULE

ZETETIC COSMOGONY:
OR
Conclusive Evidence
THAT THE WORLD IS NOT A
ROTATING—REVOLVING—GLOBE,
BUT
A STATIONARY PLANE CIRCLE.
By Thomas Winship
1899

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(Post 31/47)

RIDICULE.

Sir D. Brewster speaks of a work, "the direct tendency of which was to ridicule and bring into contempt the grand discoveries in sidereal astronomy by which the last century has been distinguished."

No wonder that supposed discoveries, which are really only baseless assumptions, should call forth volumes to bring contempt and ridicule upon the impossible theories by which the last century speculators made themselves ridiculous.

The "Birmingham Daily Mail," of 25th November, 1893, states that:

"The astronomers arranged for a grand display of fireworks on Thursday night, the 23rd inst., but the ungrateful fireworks did not appear. The showmen now take refuge in the clouds which shrouded the sky and say the fireworks were there only they could not be seen. . . . . . It is believed that throughout the night we were careening through a storm of red-hot meteorites, the fragments of a comet smashed by a blundering planet some forty years ago. . . . . ."

When newspapers ridicule the thing it must be very hard, for they generally side with the professional men. The "Morning Leader," of 21st November, 1892, has the following: (See below, A Very Distinguished Visitor).

"Reynold's Newspaper," of 27th November, 1892, has the following:

"A Dalziel Telegram, dated Philadelphia, November 24, says Professor Snyder, Instructor of Astronomy in the High School here, states that the earth last night collided with a comet in the Andromeda group and shattered it to pieces. This theory is said to receive confirmation by news from Illinois and other States, where their was a great fall of meteors. These are supposed to be the remains of the defunct comet."

The "Natal Mercury," of 30th August, 1898, says:

"To shift the axis of the earth from the poles to the equator M. Fouche, who has been working for years at the problem, says is perfectly possible. It is only necessary to accumulate a sufficient quantity of material to one point of the equator, and the earth will 'turn turtle,' and continue its rotation at right angles to its present turning, while climatic, zoological, and social changes would ensue. The question is, how much material? M. Fouche answers 66 sextillions of tons. With all the resources of steam, the operation could not occupy less than two million years."    

A VERY DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.     

We have no desire to unduly alarm our readers, but our duty to the public compels us to announce that tonight a collision may be expected between the earth and a comet. The notice we give is somewhat short, so short indeed that if the worst comes to the worst, some distant readers may have barely learned the fact before the shock gives it an emphatic confirmation. The Rev. M. Baxter has somehow or other over-looked this noteworthy prediction, an oversight possibly accounted for by his feverish desire to discover some unfortunate individual who may be publicly described as "The Beast" without running foul of the law of libel. . . . . .     

Just at present it is perhaps risky to speak disrespectfully of comets, but it is undeniable that they are chiefly distinguished by their eccentricity. They resemble in no small degree political parties. They consist of a definite point or nucleus, with a remarkably nebulous tail preceding or following the nucleus. The tail precedes the nucleus when the comet has passed the perihelion and is receding from the sun, and it follows it when the sun is approached. That is to say, it is always to the front in a retreat and in the rear in an attack. As with the humble members of political parties, its distinguishing feature is prudence. Nor does the resemblance end here, for astronomers assure us that comets' tails are noted for their extreme tenuity. Stars which the slightest fog completely obscures shine through millions (?) of miles of their transparent material. In the same way it is easy to see through the motives and tactics of the political hanger-on. The nucleus is really the only part of a comet which need be noticed by practical men. The vaporous tails have frequently come within the earth's attraction (?) and have been absorbed into its atmosphere, just as the Liberal Unionists have been "merged" into the Tory party. Whether the effect of the absorption of a comet's tail into our atmosphere has been salubrious or deleterious, or even if the event has had any perceptible influence at all, is only a matter of speculation among the learned. This extremely negative result resembles the action of homeopathic medicines upon the human frame—at least, as described by allopaths. The moral seems to be that the world will be wise if it carefully avoids the nucleus tonight and collides simply with the tail. "Run into something cheap," shouted the economical peer to his coachman when his horses bolted down Piccadilly.     

Mankind has received comets in various moods. Sometimes they have been hailed with rapturous welcome. They have been supposed to herald a superior wine vintage. The produce of 1811 and of 1858 was specially announced as "comet wines," and topers declared that it was very good. On the other hand, these eccentric heavenly bodies have been regarded with hatred and terror. They were included in a very uncomplimentary prayer in the year 1456. The Turks had just captured Constantinople, and it was feared that they would soon overrun Europe. A comet was hovering about at the time, and the pious of the day added to the Ave Maria the following supplication: "Lord save us from the devil, the Turk, and the comet." It is strange that at the end of the nineteenth century we should be threatened by the same three influences. The first seems destined to be always with us, the second will haunt us until the Eastern Question is really settled, and the third threatens to mend or end us tonight.